Grief is a funny thing. On any particular day it is hovering in the background, your constant friend. Other days it hits you in the chest and brings you to your kneed gasping for breath. The oddest thing will set your eyes to watering and the people around you question your sanity as you randomly flee a room to calm your mind.
I can tell you with certainty the day I realized late night calls almost always bring bad news. I was 16. Next month that will have been 15 years ago. September 17, 1999. The day Emily Grace Sullivan died.
To say Emily was my friend would be a truth. To say she was my good friend would depend on the day. We had known each other since 2nd grade. By third grade she had moved on to a new school but we still saw each other once a year at the annual fire department picnic where my dad was a Battalion Chief and her Grandmother was a "Friend of the Fire Department". Since there were no other girls, our age or otherwise, we ran around together for the day and usually forgot about each other until the next year.
When it came time to go to high school I was terrified. You see I lived in a tiny town where our kindergarten through 8th grade school had roughly 200 kids. While my friends were going to the small country high school fifteen minutes away, my parents were having me transferred to 40 minutes away to a bigger town where the freshman class had 400 students. Just in one class! In eighth grade I still had one teacher all day long and three recesses. Times were a-changing. And I knew no one!
I went to volleyball tryouts three weeks before my freshman year and in the sea of faces I saw one I knew. Emily. She was surrounded by friends. I smiled and gave a quick wave before ducking my head and moving to the corner alone. I was never one to seek out people. Try outs started and the grind of volleyball only pushed away for a little bit my overwhelming loneliness I felt. At my old school I had been voted Most Athletic. I led the volleyball and basketball teams with flair. Here, I was worried I would not even make the team. And everyone knew everyone!
Lunch came and I sat alone with my sandwich and water, trying to figure out how to make friends. Plop! Emily sat down in front of me. "Natalie, right?" I smiled and nodded. "I remember you from Applegate. You and Story. How is Story doing?" And like that the weight was lifted. I had a friend.
By my junior year Emily and I were on the JV team together. During daily doubles, our teammates would venture home for our three hour break while Emily and I would cruise to the mall and hang out. We both lived about 40 minutes from the school so it did no good to drive back and forth. I am so glad we had that week together. Though she still had her other friends and I had mine, we forged a bond that week of being the two juniors still on JV. We had our spats. For instance, we both were up to play Right side hitter and she won the spot. I was the back up. And every time she messed up I thought I should be there instead. In fact, we got in such a bad fight once, I went home and told my parents I was quitting. And though they didn't let me, it was with that venom in my heart that I worked myself up into a tizzy when she did not show up for practice one Friday afternoon. We had a tournament the next day and she was unable to attend, but she still needed to come to practice. Everyone else was headed to a football game after practice but I was tired so I drove home, ate dinner with my family and went to bed. Then the phone rang.
"Natalie," my mom's voice on the other side of the door beckoned. "It's for you. It's coach Lorenz." I got to the phone and said "Hi coach. Is the tournament canceled?"
"Well, yes. It is," he said. "You see Natalie, Emily was in a car crash this afternoon. She died." I didn't say a word, just handed my phone to one of my parents and started crying. The other parent got on the phone asking what was going on. My happy teenage world had shattered.
To this day I cannot talk about the emotions I dealt with in that time. I know some thought it weird I felt so strongly because I was not her Best Friend or even one of her group of bests. But as an insecure teenager with few friends, I had counted her as one. And her parting on a bad note was hard to digest.
In the years since grief has hit time and again and we lose relatives and friends that are so dear to us. It never hits the same way and the healing process is different each time as well. When I lost my Grandma I took comfort in the fact I had made it to her bedside before she died and got to see a smile when she realized I was there. When my grandfather died I was confined to bed and unable to see him in his last days or go to his funeral to mourn. The two deaths, while equally sad, hit me in different ways.
Then there are the gone too soons. Emily had been joined by many others on that list and the unfairness of it hits me every single time. How can these horrible people on earth continue living while the sweet, innocent and kind die early? Or those that never had the chance, like miscarriages and children? I get so consumed with these thoughts that at times it is hard to function. I have to physically remove the thoughts from my head to continue with normal life.
I will not get philosophical with the why are we here questions and all that. My main topic is grief and to that I will return despite my long winded tangent I needed to express. The fact is, grief never heals. A child loses a beloved pet and as an adult the pain of that separation can still haunt them. Whatever person said "time heals all wounds" was an idiot. Wounds scab over, become less painful until you poke at them and eventually fade. But what is left is a scar. Some are visible to everyone and some are hidden inside. But the scars never leave us.
In the 15 years since Emily left, the 2 years since Tyler left and the 4 months since Grandpa left, I have found that even on the best day it just takes one little innocent thing to remind me of my pain. One barking seal to remind me I will never hear Emily's hideous, albeit hilarious, laugh again. One babyfaced 25 year old trying to convince a store clerk he is old enough to buy a lottery ticket to remind me of Tyler's innocent facade and old man at the cafe telling stories of days gone by to remind me I will never hear Grandpa tell me of how he used to torment his sisters again.
Everyone handles grief differently and under no circumstances should they be told how to do it. Be kind to everyone, for everyone is battling something.
Stories of my life as a mom, wife, paramedic, and student.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
The Strong Willed Child- The Power of Choice
The Strong Willed Child
So before we start, let me tell you my definition of the Strong Willed Child. (SWC) This child is not out of control or bad. They are usually smart and stubborn. These kids need things to make sense before they can accept them and stop everything until it does.
My daughter was born stubborn and bad tempered. During our five day stay at the hospital more than one nurse commented on her temper. Again, I don't man the child that is throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store because she didn't get her way. Her temper is more an expression of frustration. When she is trying to put a puzzle piece together and it just doesn't work, she will screech and throw the piece. The display of temper, while not acceptable, is over as quickly as it started.
My mother reminds me often that stubbornness and a strong will can be great assets as an adult, so long as the child was molded correctly.
Raising these children is tough. It is tiring. It makes you wonder if you are really doing the right thing or not. Here are a few tips that have helped me with my stubborn girl.
1. Explain- As I have mentioned before, these kids are usually very intelligent. They are processing the world and as their brains absorb everything around them, they do not like to be disturbed. This is why explaining things, or preparing them, is so important. Some kids can be told its time to go and they will dutifully go get their shoes without question. These children will try to understand why. I find if we are at a gathering, a five minute warning is very helpful "Honey, we will be leaving in 5 minutes. It is getting late and we have to go home and eat dinner." The child has been told what will be happening and why. When the 5 minutes is up it is much easier to get them to leave.
Explanations are important as well. With the above mentioned puzzle piece incident, I would make my child pick up the piece, then we would go try it together. I would show her how the piece didn't fit and that it meant it did not belong there. Together we would find the piece that did fit and discuss how we know it does.
2. Consistency- With the SWC thrives in rules and routine. Being the smart little individuals they are, they will test boundaries and try to get away with thing. Honestly, if they succeed in breaking them down it will only confuse them. The initial exhilaration of winning the small battle will then give way to confusion as they wonder why sometimes behavior is allowed and why sometimes it is not. Like all children, they will try that tactic again and again to try to get success again.
It is hard to understand as an adult how these very smart children can get confused so easily. It really does make sense. In their minds they have processed the situation and come up with the expected outcome. When it does not happen how they think they will they tend to worry and get frustrated about their own misunderstanding of the situation.
As teenagers and adult these will most likely be the ones that are harder on themselves than any other person could be.
3. CHOICES!- I added this to the title of this post because to me it is the most important tool you can have when dealing with the SWC. I have had amazing success with my daughter using this tactic. With other kids I can say the old "because I am the parent!" and expect them to obey. The SWC cannot process that. They have a need to be in control of what is happening in their world.
Giving your child a choice makes them feel as though they are choosing what is happening and therefore things are not so chaotic.
This method gets a little trickier as they age. One day my daughter didn't want to put her shoes on. When I told her she would hurt her feet she simply replied I could carry her. So I gave her two choices. She could put her shoes on and be comfortable or not put her shoes on and hurt her feet.
Sometimes they counter-offer. For example, she might say again that she wanted me to carry her. I simply reply "that was not one of the options. You can wear your shoes and be comfortable or not wear your shoes and hurt your feet." You MUST follow through! If she chooses to not wear her shoes, do not pick her up when she steps on a rock. Give her the option again of putting her shoes on. If she complains tell her it was her choice.
4. Unconditional Love- I know many of you think this is understood and may even skip over this step, but again I think the way I think of things and others think of things is different. I do not know a parent out there that thinks they do not give this to their child. My question to you is do they know it? Children understand what "I Love You"means to an extent. But when it is said as a habit, sometimes they forget the sincerity of it. (I am not saying to stop saying I love you so much! Never! You can never say it too much!!)
What I mean by this section is that when your child chooses the wrong path, you hug and love on them anyway. Explain why it was wrong, then give them a hug and tell them you love them and you will always be there if they have questions.
5. Do no break their Spirit- I have seen this time and again. These tough to deal with kids can get the better of you. I see parents at their wits end engage in power struggles. Follow through is important but so is knowing when pressing an issue is just causing them to dig in their heels even more. What is worse is when you are so absorbed in making them do what you want that you ignore their quiet pleas of help.
I watched a young boy have his spirit broken. It made me cry. He was told to do something. The parent, not watching the child did not see him try. She did not see him struggle. When the child asked for help she told him no. When the child tried again and failed, he started to cry. The parent told the child crying would not help. The child went and asked his sister for help. The parent yelled at him more. The child sat next to his task crying.
When the parent finally showed him what to do, he did it. The parent felt she had won, as the child had meekly done his task. However the child was hurt. He was not the fun child he had been an hour earlier. As he approached his parent later to ask for a drink you could see the uncertainty on his face. How would the parent react?
Fear is not the same as obedience. This child will likely grow up to resent the parent and use all the stubbornness to rebel later.
It is not easy for a SWC to ask for help. Praise them for doing so and be encouraging to them.
Always remember what my mother tells me. God can use the SWC for greatness. These children will be strong, confident and successful if nurtured appropriately as children. Feed their intellect and natural curiosity and give them to chance to make mistakes, all the while knowing you will support them if they fall.
Good luck and God Bless!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Going from EMT to Paramedic: What I learned I had been doing wrong
Paramedics can sometimes get a bad rap from their EMT counterparts. Many EMTs have been in the business many years and feel they can impart wisdom on the new Paramedic. In some instances this is very true. However after being an EMT for several years, I finally saw how frustrating some common EMT habits are to Paramedics. Here are some of the things I never thought about, but now I know are so very important.
1. Learn to drive!
Seriously! Your driving is so important in so many ways. As an EMT I always tried very hard to be as smooth as possible with hip fractures and c-spine patients, but other than that I didn't notice much. I had a paramedic or two say something to me. Here is what I never realized. EVERYTHING the paramedic is trying to do is harder when you do not drive smooth. Drawing up meds, writing my chart, checking the drip rate on an IV, even opening up a 4x4 is tough when you are being tossed around. Easy on the brakes son, and drive through the corners.
And the code three patient is always a tough one in this aspect. Yes, I want to get this patient to hospital as quick as I can but these patients usually need the most intervention as well and I cannot do it if I am hanging on for dear life. You want your paramedic to find you indispensable?? Make them wonder if you are really driving code!
2. Stop complaining about the charts you write.
On those rare days when you write more BLS charts than I do, I really don't want to hear about it. We both know it is rare and even if you write ten charts to my one, my one is more in depth, detailed and more likely to get me fired or sued. Often late at night it would be me and the other car's medic up doing charts while our EMTs slept. How many mornings do paramedics get off late finishing paperwork? How many times to does the EMT go grab a water and donut out of the breakroom while the medic works on his chart at the ED? I really don't want to hear about your one day of five charts.
3.Your enthusiasm is obnoxious!
I really am not trying to be mean here but chill out. Several things happen with the overeager EMT. First and foremost, I miss stuff. While I am trying to sort something out, read an EKG or look over a med list, my EMT is asking questions. If it is an EMT I work with often and we work well together this is not a problem. But occasionally I get some EMT that finds out important details and does not pass them on. I either repeat the questions later to the annoyance of the patient or the EMT pops up with the info as we transfer the patient at the ED making me look like an idiot.
Also, you may love trauma, but that does not give you the right to charge in there and take over the scene.
You may love cardiac but if you question what I see on my EKG I will lose my cool.
Because here is the deal. As an EMT I loved to look at an rhythm strip and tell my paramedic I thought the patient had this or that. I thought I was really helpful when I told them that "If it was me I would give them Drug A". But as an EMT I there was NEVER the consequences to think about. Anything that happens to that patient is on my head, not yours.
If I ask for your opinion, then by all means speak up.
4. Never, ever, question me in front of the patient.
This seems like a no brainer but often many EMTs do not even realize they do it. When you ask simple questions like, "oh you are giving 4mgs? I always thought the right dose was 5mgs" it seems like innocuous conversation to you. To the patient, it makes it seem like one of the two of you don't know what they are doing. It can set the whole call up for disaster.
I, and most medics I know, will be more than happy to discuss any aspects of the call AFTER the fact and in private. Unless you genuinely fear I am about to kill someone, mention it later.
5. The things you do when you think no one is paying attention makes the patient uncomfortable.
This is one I did not realize right away when I became a medic. Little things like listening to music in the front, rolling down your window to talk to someone outside, or even talking to fire outside for a minute before we leave all give the impression to the patient that they are not the most important thing going on right now. And every patient, yes even the ones we don't like or don't think should have called and ambulance, should feel important. It is called customer service.
For that matter leave our conversations for when we are alone. Real things my EMTs have said in front of patients.
*I think I want Mexican for lunch
*My girlfriend is such a bitch. She just called me to tell me ...
*Oh man. Medic 2 is so lucky. They are going on a gunshot while we are stuck on this.
*Yea! See that car behind us? I would totally flip them off if we were not in the ambulance!
and my personal favorite.... "Skadoosh! Have you seen Kung Foo Panda? It was awesome!"
So to sum up, I am sorry to all my Paramedic partners for the above infractions I have committed. It is hard to want to be in the game and be excited about what you and not realizing you may be in the way. You may be tired of getting blood pressures and putting on oxygen but those things are important! EMTs are important, and having a good relationship with your partner makes life so much easier!
Stay safe my friends!!
1. Learn to drive!
Seriously! Your driving is so important in so many ways. As an EMT I always tried very hard to be as smooth as possible with hip fractures and c-spine patients, but other than that I didn't notice much. I had a paramedic or two say something to me. Here is what I never realized. EVERYTHING the paramedic is trying to do is harder when you do not drive smooth. Drawing up meds, writing my chart, checking the drip rate on an IV, even opening up a 4x4 is tough when you are being tossed around. Easy on the brakes son, and drive through the corners.And the code three patient is always a tough one in this aspect. Yes, I want to get this patient to hospital as quick as I can but these patients usually need the most intervention as well and I cannot do it if I am hanging on for dear life. You want your paramedic to find you indispensable?? Make them wonder if you are really driving code!
2. Stop complaining about the charts you write.
On those rare days when you write more BLS charts than I do, I really don't want to hear about it. We both know it is rare and even if you write ten charts to my one, my one is more in depth, detailed and more likely to get me fired or sued. Often late at night it would be me and the other car's medic up doing charts while our EMTs slept. How many mornings do paramedics get off late finishing paperwork? How many times to does the EMT go grab a water and donut out of the breakroom while the medic works on his chart at the ED? I really don't want to hear about your one day of five charts.
3.Your enthusiasm is obnoxious!
I really am not trying to be mean here but chill out. Several things happen with the overeager EMT. First and foremost, I miss stuff. While I am trying to sort something out, read an EKG or look over a med list, my EMT is asking questions. If it is an EMT I work with often and we work well together this is not a problem. But occasionally I get some EMT that finds out important details and does not pass them on. I either repeat the questions later to the annoyance of the patient or the EMT pops up with the info as we transfer the patient at the ED making me look like an idiot.
Also, you may love trauma, but that does not give you the right to charge in there and take over the scene.
You may love cardiac but if you question what I see on my EKG I will lose my cool.
Because here is the deal. As an EMT I loved to look at an rhythm strip and tell my paramedic I thought the patient had this or that. I thought I was really helpful when I told them that "If it was me I would give them Drug A". But as an EMT I there was NEVER the consequences to think about. Anything that happens to that patient is on my head, not yours.
If I ask for your opinion, then by all means speak up.
4. Never, ever, question me in front of the patient.
This seems like a no brainer but often many EMTs do not even realize they do it. When you ask simple questions like, "oh you are giving 4mgs? I always thought the right dose was 5mgs" it seems like innocuous conversation to you. To the patient, it makes it seem like one of the two of you don't know what they are doing. It can set the whole call up for disaster.
I, and most medics I know, will be more than happy to discuss any aspects of the call AFTER the fact and in private. Unless you genuinely fear I am about to kill someone, mention it later.
5. The things you do when you think no one is paying attention makes the patient uncomfortable.
This is one I did not realize right away when I became a medic. Little things like listening to music in the front, rolling down your window to talk to someone outside, or even talking to fire outside for a minute before we leave all give the impression to the patient that they are not the most important thing going on right now. And every patient, yes even the ones we don't like or don't think should have called and ambulance, should feel important. It is called customer service.
For that matter leave our conversations for when we are alone. Real things my EMTs have said in front of patients.
*I think I want Mexican for lunch
*My girlfriend is such a bitch. She just called me to tell me ...
*Oh man. Medic 2 is so lucky. They are going on a gunshot while we are stuck on this.
*Yea! See that car behind us? I would totally flip them off if we were not in the ambulance!
and my personal favorite.... "Skadoosh! Have you seen Kung Foo Panda? It was awesome!"
So to sum up, I am sorry to all my Paramedic partners for the above infractions I have committed. It is hard to want to be in the game and be excited about what you and not realizing you may be in the way. You may be tired of getting blood pressures and putting on oxygen but those things are important! EMTs are important, and having a good relationship with your partner makes life so much easier!
Stay safe my friends!!
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Weed Fire Relief
I am sure almost everyone has heard of the horrific fire in Weed by now. In fact, I would guess that most people have forgotten about it by now. The day after the fire broke out I set up a donation site at American Medical Response ambulance and was AMAZED at the response we got. Within hours donations started coming in.
By the end of the week we had a full trailer full. My heart was happy as I saw all the things our community was willing to give to people who had lost everything. Most of it was clothes but others also brought food, water, snacks and toys. One little boy brought his favorite toy truck to give. It brought tears to my eyes!
Her is the almost full trailer. I added a pick of the outside so you could see how big it was. When I first put out the call for donations I thought at most I would fill the trunk of my car. I never expected this kind of response.
The day came to take the trip down to Weed and to be honest I was a little nervous. The first reason is that, despite my history as a paramedic, I really hate to see bad things. I think that is what drew me to be a paramedic in that at least I could help somehow. I was preparing myself to see the destruction the fire had wrought.
The other reason I was nervous was that I had heard they did not need donations, especially clothes which is what I had in abundance. I had heard the flood of donations coming in as the "disaster after the disaster". I did not want to add to the chaos. When we reached the donation site we were told they really didn't need clothes but would take the food. Feeling a little defeated that my way of helping out was not helping at all, I volunteered to stay a few hours and help sort donations. They told us of another site that was taking clothe and we drove there. All the donation centers we went to were humbled and thankful that we had come so far to help. Though overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming in, they were also grateful as well.
Brian and I were only happy to help. My mom came with us as well. There was only one thing left to do. See for ourselves what destruction had done.
We could not go to the residential area that had burned. For safety reasons it was still roped off to all but firefighters and homeowners. However we were able to drive through some of the areas that had burned. It was obvious that the fire had been fast and hot. My husband and I have both been firefighters at one time or another and recognized the signs. The trees were scorched, the soil looked as though it was on the moon and the grasses around the burned areas dry and withered. Several trees stood untouched amid a black forest of coal and ash, a testament to the speed of the fire that didn't have time to seek out every fuel and also the importance of clearing areas.
The town was resilient and people were out and about, already regrouping and supporting each other. One last thing that broke my heart was the loss of the Public Library. An avid reader and granddaughter of a librarian, my summers were spent at reading programs and learning the importance of reading. I hope and pray there will be a way to rebuild and replace much of what was lost there. Each library has things are are irreplaceable.
The other reason I was nervous was that I had heard they did not need donations, especially clothes which is what I had in abundance. I had heard the flood of donations coming in as the "disaster after the disaster". I did not want to add to the chaos. When we reached the donation site we were told they really didn't need clothes but would take the food. Feeling a little defeated that my way of helping out was not helping at all, I volunteered to stay a few hours and help sort donations. They told us of another site that was taking clothe and we drove there. All the donation centers we went to were humbled and thankful that we had come so far to help. Though overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming in, they were also grateful as well.
Brian and I were only happy to help. My mom came with us as well. There was only one thing left to do. See for ourselves what destruction had done.
We could not go to the residential area that had burned. For safety reasons it was still roped off to all but firefighters and homeowners. However we were able to drive through some of the areas that had burned. It was obvious that the fire had been fast and hot. My husband and I have both been firefighters at one time or another and recognized the signs. The trees were scorched, the soil looked as though it was on the moon and the grasses around the burned areas dry and withered. Several trees stood untouched amid a black forest of coal and ash, a testament to the speed of the fire that didn't have time to seek out every fuel and also the importance of clearing areas.
The town was resilient and people were out and about, already regrouping and supporting each other. One last thing that broke my heart was the loss of the Public Library. An avid reader and granddaughter of a librarian, my summers were spent at reading programs and learning the importance of reading. I hope and pray there will be a way to rebuild and replace much of what was lost there. Each library has things are are irreplaceable.
Please don't forget this town. They will need help for some time as they rebuild.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Cancer Tears
I lost my cool last night. Did someone upset me? No. Was my child out of control and on my last nerve? No. Was traffic so bad and people so stupid I finally succumbed to road rage? No.I had to get my sister a birthday present.
This doesn't seem like it should be difficult but it is. For starters, those of you that know my sister know that she is not the easiest person to shop for anyway. She is very particular about what she likes and does not like and most things she would rather pick out herself. But for some reason as I shopped for her this year, the fact that she has cancer hit me hard. Most days I can shake it off. We don't know all the facts yet. No doctor is willing to give us a time line. She could live a few months, a few years or a few decades. We really don't know. But one thing they have told us is that she has been given a life shortening diagnosis. That is all they will say.
So as I roamed the stores looking for the perfect gift, thoughts kept swarming my brain. A hat? She has no hair. A tear drops.
Ooooh. Here is a beautiful bracelet. But she has a bracelet she wears all the time. It's her medic alert bracelet. Tear.
Maybe a game or something to do outside? But she is so tired. I mean, more tired than I have ever seen a person. She uses all her energy just to go to work, then collapses on the couch, unable to move. This is so unfair! Two tears.
Maybe I will just go get a card.
"Happy Birthday! Here's to many more years!".......uh. But maybe not. Maybe she won't even be here next year.
And that is where I lost it. In the middle of the Hallmark store. The clerk cautiously comes over.
"Do you need help finding anything?"
No. I shake my head. "Just getting a birthday card." She leaves me alone and I read through a few more till I find the perfect one. I barely keep my sniffles inside as I pay and go on my way.
I WILL NOT CRY> I WILL NOT GIVE CANCER THE SATISFACTION!
I pull myself together and go see my sis. She is amazing. Sporting her buzz cut and enjoying her cake. I admire her so much. But the dark has entered my mind and I cannot seem to shake it. The feeling that this may be it.
I hope she never reads this.
I go home and tell my hubby, but still refuse to cry. I want to. The tears threaten often. But I cannot give in. I know once I let them fall it is a slippery slope that I may not be able to crawl out of it. My fears cannot see the light of day or they will grow and grow until I am consumed by them. The whole family goes about as though chemo is just a normal part of life. We will not talk of the what ifs. We can't.
This doesn't seem like it should be difficult but it is. For starters, those of you that know my sister know that she is not the easiest person to shop for anyway. She is very particular about what she likes and does not like and most things she would rather pick out herself. But for some reason as I shopped for her this year, the fact that she has cancer hit me hard. Most days I can shake it off. We don't know all the facts yet. No doctor is willing to give us a time line. She could live a few months, a few years or a few decades. We really don't know. But one thing they have told us is that she has been given a life shortening diagnosis. That is all they will say.
So as I roamed the stores looking for the perfect gift, thoughts kept swarming my brain. A hat? She has no hair. A tear drops.
Ooooh. Here is a beautiful bracelet. But she has a bracelet she wears all the time. It's her medic alert bracelet. Tear.
Maybe a game or something to do outside? But she is so tired. I mean, more tired than I have ever seen a person. She uses all her energy just to go to work, then collapses on the couch, unable to move. This is so unfair! Two tears.
Maybe I will just go get a card.
"Happy Birthday! Here's to many more years!".......uh. But maybe not. Maybe she won't even be here next year.
And that is where I lost it. In the middle of the Hallmark store. The clerk cautiously comes over.
"Do you need help finding anything?"
No. I shake my head. "Just getting a birthday card." She leaves me alone and I read through a few more till I find the perfect one. I barely keep my sniffles inside as I pay and go on my way.
I WILL NOT CRY> I WILL NOT GIVE CANCER THE SATISFACTION!
I pull myself together and go see my sis. She is amazing. Sporting her buzz cut and enjoying her cake. I admire her so much. But the dark has entered my mind and I cannot seem to shake it. The feeling that this may be it.
I hope she never reads this.
I go home and tell my hubby, but still refuse to cry. I want to. The tears threaten often. But I cannot give in. I know once I let them fall it is a slippery slope that I may not be able to crawl out of it. My fears cannot see the light of day or they will grow and grow until I am consumed by them. The whole family goes about as though chemo is just a normal part of life. We will not talk of the what ifs. We can't.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
RVing through Alaska!
Those of you that know my hubby know that he cannot leave anything mechanical alone. We had never done the RV thing before and he wanted to see how everything worked. Slide in, slide out. Water pump on, water pump off. Water heater on, water heater off. Generator on, generator off. Awning out, awning...... uhhhh why isn't the awning coming back in? Click click. Nothing. The wind is blowing rather well at this point. But of course! Check the fuses, try to roll it up manually, run the motor directly off one of his RC car batteries. Nothing. Call the RV rental place.
"Didn't we tell you not to use the awning??" Um...no.
"It was supposed to be disabled so you couldn't use it." Not our fault. You gonna come fix it??
"where are you at? ALL THE WAY AT DENALI?? We can't come that far!" Did you think we rented an RV to hang out in Anchorage?
To bed we went hoping for answers in the morning. The RV place was to call us back. By 900 we called them. They said they would call back. By noon I was getting mad. This was our day to explore the park. We walked around the little village instead and bought the mandatory T-shirts and knick knacks. At 1 we called the RV place and told them we were going on an RV tour. It was obvious they were not coming up to help us.
The ATV Tour was a blast and I am so glad we went. It beat sitting in a crummy RV park all day. The views were fantastic. We were on private land, not actually in the park. Its kind of a long story but you can see on the map her the little section of land. When Denali was made a National Park this was a coal mine, so they made the boundary around it. Absolutely Beautiful views!
The next stop was Seward and I think this was my favorite town of the trip. We got in around four and found ourselves a campsite. One of the disadvantages of an RV is that you cannot just leave it at the campground, you have to take it everywhere. We drove our RV to Kenai Fjords National Park right outside Seward and hiked to Exit Glacier. It has receded quite a bit and you are no longer able to touch it. That was kind of a disappointment too. But the hike was beautiful and glacier no less impressive.
That night we went on a dinner cruise of the bay. This was a highlight of the trip for me. We went with Kenai Fjord Tours and had a great experience. The crew was wonderful and knowledgeable. We saw bald eagles, puffins, otters, a whale and one guy swore he saw a bear. The dinner was pretty fantastic as well. The best for me was the sea and the sun. We got done around 9pm but it felt like 11am! I could get used to the light all night thing!
The next day I bat my eyelashes at my hubby enough that he finally agreed to take me to the Sea Life Center. We were both glad we did. Our favorite part was the bird area. You got to go outside with the birds and see them, then go downstairs and see them diving from underwater as well. It was neat to see both above and below water.
 |
| A Puffin! |
After we left Seward we made it about halfway down the Kenai Peninsula before stopping again to camp. It was so peaceful and beautiful and relaxing! The best part about RVing was out absolute lack of schedule. We knew what direction we were headed and a general idea of what days we wanted to be where, but the rest was up to us to do as we pleased. So we stopped at little tiny museums, art galleries and tourist trap shops. Sometimes we didn't stop for hours and other times I barely had my seat belt back on before we found another viewpoint to get a picture from.
We made it down to Homer, checked out the town and the quite good museum and then started back north again. I had one last destination I HAD to make it to. The Anchorage museum. Those of you that know me know I am a history nerd. The fact that we only went to three museums on this trip is quite unusual for me!
The Anchorage Museum did not disappoint. There is currently a whole floor that has a display on loan from the Smithsonian all about the Native Peoples. (Native Americans is a sub hobby of my original hobby of History!) The clothes and artifacts were unbelievable! The next floor had the items that belonged to the Anchorage Museum and they were great too.
All in all it was an amazing trip and we will definitely return and do the RV thing again!
Monday, June 16, 2014
Tired of Stay-at-Home moms.
Let me say, stay at home moms are great. I wish I could be one. I always knew growing up when a friends mom didn't work. Their houses were so.....clean. Dinner was not only good, but on time! And they did all these crafts with us. Yes, I wish people had that feeling when they come into my home.
Instead there is laundry on the couch. ALWAYS. The kitchen island has not been cleaned off completely since the day we moved in and there are half done projects everywhere. I work hard, really hard, to make my house a home. I try to cook something good and nutritious every night and by golly I have started enough (and even finished a few) Pinterest projects!
But Facebook and Pinterest and even the news always glorifies the stay at home mom.
"168 hours a week for $0. Could you do that job?" Uh.....yea. I would LOVE to do that job. Do you really think that working moms shut off the "mom gene" for forty hours a week? You think I don't call and check in on my daughter, worry about if she ate lunch on time or if she got a nap, or thinks of all the things she needs while I am away from her?
And then there are the people that give these kinds of "job descriptions".
Ghost chaser
Meal prepper
Hair Dresser
Silly Song Singer
and on and on and on......
Once again, do you think because I work I let my child cry through the night without getting up to calm her fears? I can't manage to throw together a lunch or braid her hair? Yea, I do all that too. And guess what? My butt has to get up and be productive at work tomorrow on top of it.
Take this Gem. Yes, you have done a lot. I do dishes while dinner is cooking after having worked 8 hours. I get home at 6, cook dinner until 7 and eat till about 7:30. Then its time for bath and story. Then around 8:30 I have 30 minutes to work on home work before it is my bedtime. So all the laundry, dishes and everything else that has to get done gets done in short bursts between dinner, bath and whatever. But it all still gets done!
There is the ever popular "I don't get a day off" which once again I have to roll my eyes at. You realized that regular work day for you that you are wining about never getting a break from IS my day off?? I don't wake up Saturday morning and say "It's mommy's day off sweetie. Go some where else."
If I want to can a batch of anything, I take one of my precious weekends to do it. Girls night? Sounds great! But I barely see my family as it is. I don't need a night away from them. I crave a night with them!
The stay at homers post pictures of morning cuddles in jammies with a steaming cup of coffee and "Thank goodness for cartoons." Pretty sure my boss won't understand if I show up in my flannel bottoms sporting bed head, then going to the break room and watching and hour of Bubble Guppies before I feel like starting my day because my kiddo had a rough night.
So yes I am ranting like a lunatic but for the love of pete! Think of the working moms and stop rubbing in our faces that we are unable to spend every precious minutes of our children's childhoods with them. Don't be a martyr and instead tell me how blessed you feel and how lucky you are. Because you are lucky. So very lucky.
Instead there is laundry on the couch. ALWAYS. The kitchen island has not been cleaned off completely since the day we moved in and there are half done projects everywhere. I work hard, really hard, to make my house a home. I try to cook something good and nutritious every night and by golly I have started enough (and even finished a few) Pinterest projects!
But Facebook and Pinterest and even the news always glorifies the stay at home mom.
"168 hours a week for $0. Could you do that job?" Uh.....yea. I would LOVE to do that job. Do you really think that working moms shut off the "mom gene" for forty hours a week? You think I don't call and check in on my daughter, worry about if she ate lunch on time or if she got a nap, or thinks of all the things she needs while I am away from her?
And then there are the people that give these kinds of "job descriptions".
Ghost chaser
Meal prepper
Hair Dresser
Silly Song Singer
and on and on and on......
Once again, do you think because I work I let my child cry through the night without getting up to calm her fears? I can't manage to throw together a lunch or braid her hair? Yea, I do all that too. And guess what? My butt has to get up and be productive at work tomorrow on top of it.
Take this Gem. Yes, you have done a lot. I do dishes while dinner is cooking after having worked 8 hours. I get home at 6, cook dinner until 7 and eat till about 7:30. Then its time for bath and story. Then around 8:30 I have 30 minutes to work on home work before it is my bedtime. So all the laundry, dishes and everything else that has to get done gets done in short bursts between dinner, bath and whatever. But it all still gets done!
There is the ever popular "I don't get a day off" which once again I have to roll my eyes at. You realized that regular work day for you that you are wining about never getting a break from IS my day off?? I don't wake up Saturday morning and say "It's mommy's day off sweetie. Go some where else."
If I want to can a batch of anything, I take one of my precious weekends to do it. Girls night? Sounds great! But I barely see my family as it is. I don't need a night away from them. I crave a night with them!
The stay at homers post pictures of morning cuddles in jammies with a steaming cup of coffee and "Thank goodness for cartoons." Pretty sure my boss won't understand if I show up in my flannel bottoms sporting bed head, then going to the break room and watching and hour of Bubble Guppies before I feel like starting my day because my kiddo had a rough night.
So yes I am ranting like a lunatic but for the love of pete! Think of the working moms and stop rubbing in our faces that we are unable to spend every precious minutes of our children's childhoods with them. Don't be a martyr and instead tell me how blessed you feel and how lucky you are. Because you are lucky. So very lucky.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)