Cancer Tears

 I lost my cool last night. Did someone upset me? No. Was my child out of control and on my last nerve? No. Was traffic so bad and people so stupid I finally succumbed to road rage? No.I had to get my sister a birthday present.

This doesn't seem like it should be difficult but it is. For starters, those of you that know my sister know that she is not the easiest person to shop for anyway. She is very particular about what she likes and does not like and most things she would rather pick out herself. But for some reason as I shopped for her this year, the fact that she has cancer hit me hard. Most days I can shake it off. We don't know all the facts yet. No doctor is willing to give us a time line. She could live a few months, a few years or a few decades. We really don't know. But one thing they have told us is that she has been given a life shortening diagnosis. That is all they will say.

So as I roamed the stores looking for the perfect gift, thoughts kept swarming my brain. A hat? She has no hair. A tear drops.
Ooooh. Here is a beautiful bracelet. But she has a bracelet she wears all the time. It's her medic alert bracelet. Tear.
Maybe a game or something to do outside? But she is so tired. I mean, more tired than I have ever seen a person. She uses all her energy just to go to work, then collapses on the couch, unable to move. This is so unfair! Two tears.
Maybe I will just go get a card.
"Happy Birthday! Here's to many more years!".......uh. But maybe not. Maybe she won't even be here next year.
And that is where I lost it. In the middle of the Hallmark store. The clerk cautiously comes over.
"Do you need help finding anything?"
No. I shake my head. "Just getting a birthday card." She leaves me alone and I read through a few more till I find the perfect one. I barely keep my sniffles inside as I pay and go on my way.
I WILL NOT CRY> I WILL NOT GIVE CANCER THE SATISFACTION!
I pull myself together and go see my sis. She is amazing. Sporting her buzz cut and enjoying her cake. I admire her so much. But the dark has entered my mind and I cannot seem to shake it. The feeling that this may be it.
I hope she never reads this.
I go home and tell my hubby, but still refuse to cry. I want to. The tears threaten often. But I cannot give in. I know once I let them fall it is a slippery slope that I may not be able to crawl out of it. My fears cannot see the light of day or they will grow and grow until I am consumed by them. The whole family goes about as though chemo is just a normal part of life. We will not talk of the what ifs. We can't.