The Strong Willed Child
So before we start, let me tell you my definition of the Strong Willed Child. (SWC) This child is not out of control or bad. They are usually smart and stubborn. These kids need things to make sense before they can accept them and stop everything until it does.
My daughter was born stubborn and bad tempered. During our five day stay at the hospital more than one nurse commented on her temper. Again, I don't man the child that is throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store because she didn't get her way. Her temper is more an expression of frustration. When she is trying to put a puzzle piece together and it just doesn't work, she will screech and throw the piece. The display of temper, while not acceptable, is over as quickly as it started.
My mother reminds me often that stubbornness and a strong will can be great assets as an adult, so long as the child was molded correctly.
Raising these children is tough. It is tiring. It makes you wonder if you are really doing the right thing or not. Here are a few tips that have helped me with my stubborn girl.
1. Explain- As I have mentioned before, these kids are usually very intelligent. They are processing the world and as their brains absorb everything around them, they do not like to be disturbed. This is why explaining things, or preparing them, is so important. Some kids can be told its time to go and they will dutifully go get their shoes without question. These children will try to understand why. I find if we are at a gathering, a five minute warning is very helpful "Honey, we will be leaving in 5 minutes. It is getting late and we have to go home and eat dinner." The child has been told what will be happening and why. When the 5 minutes is up it is much easier to get them to leave.
Explanations are important as well. With the above mentioned puzzle piece incident, I would make my child pick up the piece, then we would go try it together. I would show her how the piece didn't fit and that it meant it did not belong there. Together we would find the piece that did fit and discuss how we know it does.
2. Consistency- With the SWC thrives in rules and routine. Being the smart little individuals they are, they will test boundaries and try to get away with thing. Honestly, if they succeed in breaking them down it will only confuse them. The initial exhilaration of winning the small battle will then give way to confusion as they wonder why sometimes behavior is allowed and why sometimes it is not. Like all children, they will try that tactic again and again to try to get success again.
It is hard to understand as an adult how these very smart children can get confused so easily. It really does make sense. In their minds they have processed the situation and come up with the expected outcome. When it does not happen how they think they will they tend to worry and get frustrated about their own misunderstanding of the situation.
As teenagers and adult these will most likely be the ones that are harder on themselves than any other person could be.
3. CHOICES!- I added this to the title of this post because to me it is the most important tool you can have when dealing with the SWC. I have had amazing success with my daughter using this tactic. With other kids I can say the old "because I am the parent!" and expect them to obey. The SWC cannot process that. They have a need to be in control of what is happening in their world.
Giving your child a choice makes them feel as though they are choosing what is happening and therefore things are not so chaotic.
This method gets a little trickier as they age. One day my daughter didn't want to put her shoes on. When I told her she would hurt her feet she simply replied I could carry her. So I gave her two choices. She could put her shoes on and be comfortable or not put her shoes on and hurt her feet.
Sometimes they counter-offer. For example, she might say again that she wanted me to carry her. I simply reply "that was not one of the options. You can wear your shoes and be comfortable or not wear your shoes and hurt your feet." You MUST follow through! If she chooses to not wear her shoes, do not pick her up when she steps on a rock. Give her the option again of putting her shoes on. If she complains tell her it was her choice.
4. Unconditional Love- I know many of you think this is understood and may even skip over this step, but again I think the way I think of things and others think of things is different. I do not know a parent out there that thinks they do not give this to their child. My question to you is do they know it? Children understand what "I Love You"means to an extent. But when it is said as a habit, sometimes they forget the sincerity of it. (I am not saying to stop saying I love you so much! Never! You can never say it too much!!)
What I mean by this section is that when your child chooses the wrong path, you hug and love on them anyway. Explain why it was wrong, then give them a hug and tell them you love them and you will always be there if they have questions.
5. Do no break their Spirit- I have seen this time and again. These tough to deal with kids can get the better of you. I see parents at their wits end engage in power struggles. Follow through is important but so is knowing when pressing an issue is just causing them to dig in their heels even more. What is worse is when you are so absorbed in making them do what you want that you ignore their quiet pleas of help.
I watched a young boy have his spirit broken. It made me cry. He was told to do something. The parent, not watching the child did not see him try. She did not see him struggle. When the child asked for help she told him no. When the child tried again and failed, he started to cry. The parent told the child crying would not help. The child went and asked his sister for help. The parent yelled at him more. The child sat next to his task crying.
When the parent finally showed him what to do, he did it. The parent felt she had won, as the child had meekly done his task. However the child was hurt. He was not the fun child he had been an hour earlier. As he approached his parent later to ask for a drink you could see the uncertainty on his face. How would the parent react?
Fear is not the same as obedience. This child will likely grow up to resent the parent and use all the stubbornness to rebel later.
It is not easy for a SWC to ask for help. Praise them for doing so and be encouraging to them.
Always remember what my mother tells me. God can use the SWC for greatness. These children will be strong, confident and successful if nurtured appropriately as children. Feed their intellect and natural curiosity and give them to chance to make mistakes, all the while knowing you will support them if they fall.
Good luck and God Bless!
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