Cancer Tears

 I lost my cool last night. Did someone upset me? No. Was my child out of control and on my last nerve? No. Was traffic so bad and people so stupid I finally succumbed to road rage? No.I had to get my sister a birthday present.

This doesn't seem like it should be difficult but it is. For starters, those of you that know my sister know that she is not the easiest person to shop for anyway. She is very particular about what she likes and does not like and most things she would rather pick out herself. But for some reason as I shopped for her this year, the fact that she has cancer hit me hard. Most days I can shake it off. We don't know all the facts yet. No doctor is willing to give us a time line. She could live a few months, a few years or a few decades. We really don't know. But one thing they have told us is that she has been given a life shortening diagnosis. That is all they will say.

So as I roamed the stores looking for the perfect gift, thoughts kept swarming my brain. A hat? She has no hair. A tear drops.
Ooooh. Here is a beautiful bracelet. But she has a bracelet she wears all the time. It's her medic alert bracelet. Tear.
Maybe a game or something to do outside? But she is so tired. I mean, more tired than I have ever seen a person. She uses all her energy just to go to work, then collapses on the couch, unable to move. This is so unfair! Two tears.
Maybe I will just go get a card.
"Happy Birthday! Here's to many more years!".......uh. But maybe not. Maybe she won't even be here next year.
And that is where I lost it. In the middle of the Hallmark store. The clerk cautiously comes over.
"Do you need help finding anything?"
No. I shake my head. "Just getting a birthday card." She leaves me alone and I read through a few more till I find the perfect one. I barely keep my sniffles inside as I pay and go on my way.
I WILL NOT CRY> I WILL NOT GIVE CANCER THE SATISFACTION!
I pull myself together and go see my sis. She is amazing. Sporting her buzz cut and enjoying her cake. I admire her so much. But the dark has entered my mind and I cannot seem to shake it. The feeling that this may be it.
I hope she never reads this.
I go home and tell my hubby, but still refuse to cry. I want to. The tears threaten often. But I cannot give in. I know once I let them fall it is a slippery slope that I may not be able to crawl out of it. My fears cannot see the light of day or they will grow and grow until I am consumed by them. The whole family goes about as though chemo is just a normal part of life. We will not talk of the what ifs. We can't.

RVing through Alaska!

Hubby and I just got back from a great trip to Alaska. It reminded me of Oregon in many ways. The mountains were taller and more rugged and the brush was thicker, but the greenery and trees made me feel at home. I see why many Alaskans find their way to Oregon and many Oregonians head to Alaska. The first stop we made was Denali National Park. We stayed outside the park and the first night we were there we had a little mishap.

Those of you that know my hubby know that he cannot leave anything mechanical alone. We had never done the RV thing before and he wanted to see how everything worked. Slide in, slide out. Water pump on, water pump off. Water heater on, water heater off. Generator on, generator off. Awning out, awning...... uhhhh why isn't the awning coming back in? Click click. Nothing. The wind is blowing rather well at this point. But of course! Check the fuses, try to roll it up manually, run the motor directly off one of his RC car batteries. Nothing. Call the RV rental place.

"Didn't we tell you not to use the awning??" Um...no.
"It was supposed to be disabled so you couldn't use it." Not our fault. You gonna come fix it??
"where are you at? ALL THE WAY AT DENALI?? We can't come that far!" Did you think we rented an RV to hang out in Anchorage?

To bed we went hoping for answers in the morning. The RV place was to call us back. By 900 we called them. They said they would call back. By noon I was getting mad. This was our day to explore the park. We walked around the little village instead and bought the mandatory T-shirts and knick knacks. At 1 we called the RV place and told them we were going on an RV tour. It was obvious they were not coming up to help us.

 

The ATV Tour was a blast and I am so glad we went. It beat sitting in a crummy RV park all day. The views were fantastic. We were on private land, not actually in the park. Its kind of a long story but you can see on the map her the little section of land. When Denali was made a National Park this was a coal mine, so they made the boundary around it. Absolutely Beautiful views!

 Well, back to the park, the RV park maintenance man and his friend helped Hubby roll the awning in and tie it to the side of the RV. The next morning we were off to explore the park. It turned out to be ok that we didn't get a whole day to spend at Denali because you cannot drive very far in. I knew that but thought there would be more places to stop in the part you could. As it was we took only one little hike.

The next stop was Seward and I think this was my favorite town of the trip. We got in around four and found ourselves a campsite. One of the disadvantages of an RV is that you cannot just leave it at the campground, you have to take it everywhere. We drove our RV to Kenai Fjords National Park right outside Seward and hiked to Exit Glacier. It has receded quite a bit and you are no longer able to touch it. That was kind of a disappointment too. But the hike was beautiful and glacier no less impressive.

That night we went on a dinner cruise of the bay. This was a highlight of the trip for me. We went with Kenai Fjord Tours and had a great experience. The crew was wonderful and knowledgeable. We saw bald eagles, puffins, otters, a whale and one guy swore he saw a bear. The dinner was pretty fantastic as well. The best for me was the sea and the sun. We got done around 9pm but it felt like 11am! I could get used to the light all night thing!

The next day I bat my eyelashes at my hubby enough that he finally agreed to take me to the Sea Life Center. We were both glad we did. Our favorite part was the bird area. You got to go outside with the birds and see them, then go downstairs and see them diving from underwater as well. It was neat to see both above and below water.

A Puffin!

After we left Seward we made it about halfway down the Kenai Peninsula before stopping again to camp. It was so peaceful and beautiful and relaxing! The best part about RVing was out absolute lack of schedule. We knew what direction we were headed and a general idea of what days we wanted to be where, but the rest was up to us to do as we pleased. So we stopped at little tiny museums, art galleries and tourist trap shops. Sometimes we didn't stop for hours and other times I barely had my seat belt back on before we found another viewpoint to get a picture from.

We made it down to Homer, checked out the town and the quite good museum and then started back north again. I had one last destination I HAD to make it to. The Anchorage museum. Those of you that know me know I am a history nerd. The fact that we only went to three museums on this trip is quite unusual for me!

The Anchorage Museum did not disappoint. There is currently a whole floor that has a display on loan from the Smithsonian all about the Native Peoples. (Native Americans is a sub hobby of my original hobby of History!) The clothes and artifacts were unbelievable! The next floor had the items that belonged to the Anchorage Museum and they were great too.

All in all it was an amazing trip and we will definitely return and do the RV thing again!