So teh other night I was with a group of friends and one asks for my best story. Well that is always a toss up. Some people want to heat some parts of what I do and some get grossed out. They want to hear about car wrecks and trauma but not about puke and poop. I have to say though, most of my favorite stories involve crazy people.
Let me start with saying, I do feel real compassion for people with mental disabilities and disorders. These are not the people I am talking about. I am talking about drug and alcohol induced psychosis. These people are unpredicable and usally being out the "other" side of us helathcare professionals.
It was late at night or early in the morning. In anycase, it was dark. We get sent to a local motel that rents by the week. Three cop cars are in the parking lot and there are people outside thier doors watching the live episode of Cops. I walk up to a young man in his 20's who is lying on his back, hands handcuffed in front of him.
"He is unconscious," I am told by one of the officers. The half smile on his face tells me he thinks otherwise. I reach down and pull open his eye. He looks away from me.
"Wow," I say. "I have never seen an unconsious person move thier eyes like that before." My patient's eyes flash open and he stares at me with obvious hatred.
"Do you feel special now?" he asks?
I simply smile and say, "Why yes I do!" I turn and tell the cops to put him on my gurney. They gladly hoist him up and toss him none to gently on my bed. I cringe a little at the borderline inappropiate behavior but I can also tell by the sweat and looks they fought this guy for a while. True to my suspicians, they tell me they were called to an out of control male and the minute they got there, he started fighting them until they pinned him and he went "unconscious". Got it. Crazy man.
Before I can even get the patients seat belts on so we can put him in the ambulance he spits at me and hits me in the face. Thank goodness for my poor eyesight because my glasses caught most if it. Two cops pounced on him immediately and put a spit mask on him. They are really quite attractive.
So I buckle him up and put him in th ambulance. A quick check of his vitals shows slightly elevated Heart rate and blood pressure but that is not surprising due to the recent physical activity and it is not at critical levels. I give my partner the nod and he starts to drive. The patient has decided the hateful tactic did not scare me so he will try being nice now. He asks some questions about my day, how I like my job etc. etc., then asks if I will take the spit mask off. My momma didn't raise no fool! "Hell no" was my answer. He started to siggle around and finally got a foot loose of the seatbelts where he tried to kick me. I didged him and fought him while my partner lurched the ambo to a stop and called the cops. Within seconds they opened the two back doors and one side one and took over the restraint of the guy. As they tied him down he screamed over and over, "F- you, f- you". He probably siad it four or five times before he realized the female officer at his head poiting a taser at him was politely answering each time, "No thankyou, I don't like men. No thank you I don't like men." I was dying laughing at this which got me another menacing glare.
So the cops leave and its just me and him again. The police are following us to the hospital. The patient has once again calmed down and is staring silently out the window when he realizes something. "Hey!" he says to me. "Will I be out of the hospital in time to go to work in the morning?" Well at least he is a responsible crazy.
"I have no idea," I say.
"Let me out now!" He yells, which oddly enough was the first time he had asked to be let go. Well this guy must have learned from Houdini or something because before I know it, his dang legs are free again. My partner goes to stop again and I yell for him to keep going. I have my elbow in this guys chest but his feet keep flailing. Finally I look at him and yell "You know what? God gave me 200lbs and a big ass and I know how to use it!"
I promptly sat down on his knees. The attempts to kick ended pretty quick after that. I moved up a little so I was sitting on his thighs because I really have no intent to hurt people. I also held on to the bar on the ceiling so not all of my wieght was in him. Then, .... he passed out. Again.
I sat staring at him wondering if I should be concerned or not. I mean sometimes when these people have a drug induced psychosis, they do indeed hit a point when thier system fails. He was still breathing though. We are not too far from the hospital now, but oooh what to do. Just as I was about to abandon my seat on his legs I saw it. He opened his eyes a slit to see if I was watching. Gotcha!! I am not going anywhere!!
After about another minute, he opened his eyes and all nice like says, "Whoa! what happened? Did I pass out again? Sometimes I get a little crazy when that happens. I am all better now though." This guy reallydid think I was a moron apparently.
"Yep," I say. "you passed out and I am not moving." You know what that crazy little piece of crap did then? He peed himself. On purpose. To get me. I bolted off his legs so quick and he laughed this maniacal laugh that I found rather creepy.
No worries though, We were pulling into the ER and there was a cop behind us, one in front and two security guards waiting for us. I opened the back doors, pulled out the gurney and happily tranfered another happy customer to the hospital.
Pyschos!!
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